HANG THE DIET
The Atkins diet has to be the best diet ever. Not for actually losing weight but for sheer arrogance. Yeah just cram as much bacon and jelly into your gob as you can. In fact don’t have anything else and eventually you will begin to see the pounds drop off. Yeah, through your terrible illness because of a vitamin C deficiency, or depression due to lack of friends thanks to your appalling body odour.
Every day I note tweets and status updates of what someone had for lunch. Something like ‘@FatFuckzx1990: Had a strawberry & a slice of cucumber for brunch. Lovely’. No… not lovely. What you obviously wanted was a tub of lard with a big slice of cold pig on it for brunch but if you had had that you would have been too ashamed to tell the world at large because you are a vain fool. Fad diets are the worst of modern society. More so than gun crime or racial abuse. The reason I say more is because I firmly believe that a fad diet can often lead to committing gun crimes or racial abuse. Telling everyone about how you have only been eating fish fingers and a pot of yogurt all day and they should do it too because you have already lost a pound is pretty ridiculous, because you have probably lost that pound crying – into your pot of yogurt, wiping your fatty tears away with your discarded fish fingers . Whilst your actual fingers smell of actual real fish fingers because your massive beer baby pot belly makes you look like a saggy piece of dead jelly that nobody wants to even consider having a sexual encounter with.
I regret that last statement. No I really do… as it insinuates that the only people who do fad diets are female and that is very sexist… no… The Gays do them as well don’t they? Only rather than overindulging on fish fingers they overindulge on that sweet and tempting snack, wrapped in chocolate with a tender soft but chewy caramel centre. Cock. It’s very fattening, so just leave it alone.
Yes it is true, I am allowed to make that awful joke, because I myself am a fatty. For the last few weeks I have been properly dieting. This, for me, is unusual. Firstly because for most of my life I have been able to cram as much food & drink into my belly as I would ever wish and still remain rather skinny and secondly because I never really cared too much about my appearance. However, as it hurts to wear my trousers and because I cannot seem to assume a position whilst lying down which accommodates my massive beer baby comfortably, I decided to diet.
When people refer to a whole group of individuals as ‘The Gays’ it kind of annoys me. Most homophobia, racism, sexism and prejudice tend to pass me by, but it’s this kind of casual dismissive thoughtless phrase that makes me want to vomit all over the said people addressing me. It normally comes in part of a sentence: “it’s people like him, who give The Gays a bad name”. What? Fuck off. Worse still is: “it’s people like him that give people like you a bad name”. Well… what you have done there is mistaken a sexual orientation that is suffered or celebrated equally by millions of individuals all over the world, all with their own personalities, ambitions and ideals, for your token fag you hang around with once a month in a seedy gay bar when none of your real friends want to tell you that you look quite sexy tonight. Which you don’t.
When this is said to my face I usually make my excuses and talk to someone else. I find it incredible that this kind of prejudice can still exist in a modern thinking society. Although, I should not find it too surprising as both Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan are still able to extract money from your tightly-pulled purse and wallet strings by indulging you with awful entertainment in the name of popular culture . It is very much like walking up to an Irish person and asking if they know Bono. Which they will because the place is too tiny for them not to have all met each other.
Having said that, I enjoy offence and I enjoy trying to play along the line of what is appropriate and what is not. Humour can deal with many off limits subjects in a clever and intelligent way. It is important to laugh in the face of obscenity & more so to be obscene whilst doing so. It is OK to feel offended. So me being offended at someone being stupidly, perhaps arrogantly, stereotypical is fine. I got at least three paragraphs of a blog out of it, let’s face it. A perfect world would be perfectly boring. So I should just get back to not being a fat bastard then…
I have never met, seen a quote from or heard of anyone who has lost weight successfully, without repercussions and without subsequent relapse who hasn’t said “well… I just did it by eating a bit less and by doing a bit of exercise”. Fair enough. That’s what I thought I’d do. Well – apart from the exercise. I only really ever run if I am being chased by monsters and that is happening less and less these days – so I decided I should eat less. This is really easy when my daily diet tended to consist of about 6 square meals a day and then plenty of in-between snacks just in case I wasted away and died of malnutrition. I never ever felt hungry… ever!
So the first part of my dieting was a mental state I had to teach myself ‘it is OK to feel hungry’, and to get used to the feeling again. That may seem silly but it was odd for me. In the past I could stave off hunger by smoking cigarettes or drinking loads of Guinness… but since I pretty much do that anyway AND eat load of rubbish on top of that then, it wasn’t an option.
To get a long and boring story short, I have lost enough weight to make my trousers fit again. I haven’t weighed myself and checked on my progress as I went. That will do for me. I know I have lost a stone because I know I was over 16 stone and I had a go the other day and I was under 16 stone. It didn’t matter what the numbers said after the decimal point (mainly because they were quite close to 10 so I chose to ignore them) - my trousers fit and that’s a step in the right direction.
I already have an unhealthy lifestyle and as I smoke a lot and drink a lot more I am already obsessed with how I will die early one day due to a heart attack or a stroke. So once realising that I was becoming a fatty fatty boom boom, I thought it best that I only have the 2 vices in my unhealthy lifestyle and I can work on those at a later date. I don’t care that the media and modern society has made it an unattractive thing to be a little overweight. In fact it is true that real people enjoy a little bit of reality and like humans in all their different shapes and sizes. This is why I feel very privileged to be old, balding and fat. I just wish my bubbly personality made up for it.
You can download the new Meiosis album, Songs For 20 Something Year Olds, here.
You can stream last year’s album here.
More stuff: http://www.musicbymeiosis.com