EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED
A man goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please", says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which point an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher”. “Hans, kill that squid!" The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry Sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir", says the waiter, "it just goes to show
That Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lipped squid."
I have been cutting up bits of photo paper and sticking labels to CDs for the past 3 hours. I have handmade a total of 6 complete promotional (not for resale mind!) albums. I may have to get somebody else to do this. I feel this is why I have not made an album for 10 years. All of this fucking cutting and sticking is pretty frustrating – especially since I have messed up roughly 80% of my output. I have decided this may not even be the cheapest way to do this anyway. If I order extra stock when I get the proper albums in my hands then it would probably be cheaper than all of this photo paper + blank CDs + CD labels. Actually no it wouldn’t as Captain Trips paid for all of this stuff at their gig at The Cluny in Newcastle last year. Well… some of it… as I had to buy some new blank CDs… which means I sent out 50 Captain Trips demos in the last 9 months.
And here I am again cutting and gluing like a dick when the vast majority of people I send this too won’t even play the CD inside. I love being sent free music – especially on CD as I can then place it on a shelf in alphabetical, then chronological, order which is very pleasing. Sending out demos is a lot more complicated now than it used to be. By that I mean it’s more complicated than it was 10 years ago when I didn’t have a fucking clue what I was doing.
Now I have to research each individual person I’m sending something to and ask; is this person likely to like it? Is it worth the cost? Do they prefer CDs or MP3s via email? What’s the point? Will I have any moral objections to this particular dipshit?
It’s times like these when I really wish John Peel was still alive… there was something about the man that made all this seem worth it. You knew, for a start, that he would get around to listening to it and you felt if he didn’t like it then it was in the most polite possible way. He vindicated the entire industry and was more on the side of the artist than the broadcaster. I’d like to think some of his peers such as Mark Radcliffe and Steve Lamacq do have that kind of spirit within them too, but neither of them are on Radio 1 anymore. Not because they don’t play great music but because great music has now been pushed to the sidelines by complete thunderclunts like Simon Cowell.
I am now about to talk at length about Simon Cowell. I suggest that if you are easily offended or if you actually like the man… then you should probably fuck the fuck off out of my blog right about… now!
Simon Cowell is not the only complete twat in the music industry. In fact, there are loads – but because this particular twat has actually furthered his career by being a complete twat then I think it is fair to use him as an example.
Simon Cowell basically walked straight into an A&R job at EMI. His dad got him the job. His job was to find artists to sign to the label. Meaning, if you sent a demo tape to EMI he’d listen to those and go and see acts live. He eventually worked his way up the company until he was responsible for music publishing at the label. After a relatively brief period of time he and his boss ran away and set up their own label in a toilet in an NCP car park before ditching that and ending up at another label called Fanfare records – who didn’t do too badly but were responsible for atrocities such as ‘So Macho’ by Sinitta. The company went under afterwards but Simon bounced back… he bumped into Pete Waterman one day and that resulted in Cowell being employed by BMG. Then the really offensive baby diarrhoea (with specks of blood in it) started to fill the world’s ears… Five, Westlife, Robson and Jerome, and Ultimate Kaos had massive-selling records.
All this is fine. I don’t mind this kind of music existing. If there is no bad music then we wouldn’t be able to have good music. I’m not a musical snob either and rate many a pop hit as quite respectable. I do think there is some good and clever music within that realm. My problem is that Simon Cowell probably made more money out of those five acts than all of the ‘artists’ in those five acts collectively. If it wasn’t for that small group of people, then we wouldn’t have been able to watch him casually slag off and crush people’s dreams and put it on the telly for the last (what seems like forever) years.
Simon Cowell is a marketing man not a musical genius. He gently pops a syringe into the general public’s idiot mouths and then forcefully and brutally feeds them a mixture of burning slag ash and cool refreshing refrigerated dog piss. Guess which comes off best.
And just like when a really substandard, short-lived (but uncontrollably snowballed and ultimately shit) band appear such as Oasis or Coldplay, a thousand winnits come off the back of it – there will be many, many more ‘Simon Cowells’ out there than there used to be. And worse… there will be many who only aspire to be just like him and ultimately fail.
It makes me fucking sick. Blahhhhhh.
So once again… I tell you. I am releasing this album all by myself. But here I am cutting and pasting and making CDs again ready to send off. Thankfully now I know to research each and every person before sending, I’ll hopefully get it right. There are a lot of people who work in the music industry for the love of music and I’d like to reach them.
Last time I did this for Meiosis was in 1999. Back then I just sent them blindly – I’ve since lost all of my rejection letters which I should have kept to see which winnit did it!
Somehow back then though it seemed easier – but ignorance is bliss.
You can pre-order the new Meiosis album here
You can listen to some ‘GOOD’ music by attending The Bowie Experience at World Headquarters in Newcastle – get your tickets here