ALL I NEED IS ME
I consider the consequences of every single thing I do. I always look towards the future when proposed, acknowledged or compromised with anything. I see this as a problem. I cannot respond instantly to anything. If I was only more like Jeremy Kyle and sooo cocksure of myself that I could form an opinion on something within a split second with no thought whatsoever, then I wonder if my life would be happier and easier?
My mulling over – and ‘don’t react so quickly’ stance kind of works for me. It means my patience has a very long fuse and I don’t lose my rag over anything that I consider unimportant. Which is handy as I am constantly a complete fuck-head to everyone around me. If only they took a leaf out of my book and learned to withstand this annoyance until you can no longer tolerate being worn down to the marrow inside of your bones.
At the moment – I enjoy the comfort of having the stance that everything that annoys me, annoys me soooo much I’ll just let it pass me by. But that also means this ‘cooked-up anger’ has the inevitable consequence of coming out in a massive unscripted and usually foolish rampage.
As I am mentally ill, I say that because a medically qualified person told me that – and I had made an appointment for them to tell me that on the NHS, I can pretty much have rein to do whatever I want and always fall back on that excuse. I always try very very hard not to do that. I think I blogged a couple of weeks ago about how my depression appeared to have disappeared. It hasn’t. It was just adjusting itself to my older age just like I have. It comes back with vengeance when it needs to and this time it’s being my heart sinking friend that gently makes me want to be creative. It’s horrible and rather inconvenient.
Fortunately, I’m clever enough to see off these episodes really quickly. They normally come as a consequence of me taking on too much work at once. And to be honest I have taken on quite a lot – but nothing compared to what I took on last year. This is what I am doing. I try to test myself to see how much I can do at once before I end up a snivelling wreck.
These words aren’t just me worrying about nothing. I used to be able to do whatever the fuck I liked. Then somewhere between 2006/2007 – I had a massive and actual breakdown. A real one. I nearly died at least 3 times that I know of. I lost plenty of old friends and I took the decision that you only ever need 5 friends anyway. It’s now sooo difficult to penetrate my intimate circle (another decision I made).
So I managed to build myself up from scratch. I think I’m a better person for it.
After I had built up my relationships again with my closest friends, I started doing musical stuff again. Music is my life. I need music to survive. I started to DJ – I bought a load of stuff on a credit card at 4am – as I remember it cost us about 6 grand and included a van. I started putting on our own nights in Newcastle and then it was very clear that nobody cared about what we were doing and nobody attended.
So I started putting bands on to supplement the DJing as I thought the bands would bring people to our cause (which was basically – ‘this city is shit – let’s put something good on’). That moved on to me realising I was soooo much better at putting bands on than I was at DJing, which lead to us putting on a number of successful nights. More unsuccessful nights than successful nights, mind you! – but my time battling the highest of highest promoters to compete with their nights were the most thrilling of my musical career! I think Mr Julian Lee taught me a lot about something. I’m not sure if it was about DJing or promoting bands – he’d make stupid mistakes sometime too. I think it was more about having someone who had an influence in the Newcastle scene pioneer me and hold me up and showcase me, because HE thought I was worthy. I was very proud to DJ his last REVENGE gig at The End on Boxing Day 2009.
All that gave me a new box of tricks to be able to do again. I started writing & recording songs again. I put on loads of huge shows with other bands and I enjoyed managing a band called Captain Trips for nearly 2 years.
All of that led me to having the confidence to reform myself as Meiosis and play a Christmas gig for free 18 months ago. Since then I think I have refined and adjusted what I am doing to make it what it is meant to be. Entertaining.
I’m currently in the middle of booking gigs, writing and recording a new album and fucking up the promo for it and trying to live my life in between. It’s exhilarating, and I love being busy – let’s see how far I can push myself!
Oh – I’m very happy to have been asked to DJ again at a mate’s wedding. It’s taken a bit of dusting off of those old skills I once could do at the drop of a hat but I think since he gave me 6 months’ notice I don’t have an excuse to panic.
We also have 3 Meiosis shows for you to put up with in Newcastle:
Thursday 3rd May (which happens to be my 30th Birthday) - Telegraph, Newcastle. 8pm.
Saturday 2nd June – Cluny 2, Newcastle.
Friday 22nd June – The Bridge Hotel, Newcastle.
I will be doing my utmost best to make these gigs as different and as clever as possible. None of which will cost you more than £4 on the door. I will be playing early on all nights so make sure you check out our live page on the website or follow me on the Twitters or find Meiosis on Facebook for more details of the other fantastic bands I’m putting on for these events.
Anyway, I was trying to write about something else today, I cannot for the life of me remember what!
And now I end by showing my love for the person who enables me to write this shite every week and for making me think, doubt, regurgitate and perform Meiosis for the last 18 months. Without whom, I’d have given up ages ago!
Other than that, this blog has mainly been about ME! It probably should always be about ME, but I have a problem with that. It’s not your problem, I’m sure you’re very happy to read about my boring, humdrum, depressive, overworked and slightly OK life. It’s not really about me though is it? I don’t like to preach about depression but I feel the more I write about it – the more those who feel this way will find something real when they ‘Google’ it. Something they needed. Before they take their own lives, like so many of my comrades have and I nearly did. To them I say… the incline is so much better than the fall! Really!
If you ever feel the need to, call The Samitans on 08457 90 90 90. If not then visit their awesome website at:http://www.samaritans.org/
They are very much there to help you, us and society in general. Don’t be shy.
Here is 15 minutes of music that might make you change your mind. I love you x
I never listen to this song anymore - as it makes me feel ill at ease – but if you want it it’s here:
If I die young – if I’m hit by a bus or something – make sure this is played at my funeral (hopefully followed by Heroes by Bowie (the long version not the short you skinflints!)
You can book Meiosis for a tour (or a gig) here: http://www.musicbymeiosis.com