I have recently embarked on a crusade of good manners. Inspired in part by reading Michael Legge's blog http://michaelleggesblog.blogspot.com - for which I have supplied a link (although you shouldn't feel the need to follow it as you are already reading a blog which will cater for all of you blogging needs for the next three to four minutes).
People I know may not have noticed my crusade but it is important to point out that it does not involve not responding with the phrase "fuck off" when asked politely and timidly for a favour. It has more to do with the returning of favours owed. Over the past few years I appear to have fallen quite heavily on the side of being the favourer rather than the favouree and I carry out these tasks bearing in mind the unwritten law that states that when you do somebody a favour then you should expect a favour of equal or greater gravitas in return. It has recently come to my attention that I am constantly being fucked over by complete cunts. So to rectify this loss in favours carried out in my favour I have decided to stop doing people favours and rather than explain how miffed I am with the whole situation which will sometimes take more time and effort than just doing the required favour anyway, I simply respond with the useful phrase "fuck off".
This is a phrase that our Lord God gave to us to use when we require somebody to fuck off.
The problem with this stance is that I inevitably will create the impression that I am a grumpy, unhelpful old bastard which is an undesirable persona for anyone to assume. However, I have thought this through and the fact is that being perceived as a grumpy, unhelpful old bastard is more preferable than people believing that I'm a really gullible complete fucking idiot. The person that springs to mind who in his lifetime completed the most favours for a broad spectrum of different people with different needs was the baby Jesus and look what ended up happening to him. The stupid fucking idiot. Somebody should write a book about it.
Aside from this I am happy to hold open doors, pass things down from high places, lift heavy objects, give up seats on public transport, make cups of tea, look things up on Google, fold laundry and offer to go to the bar but on the condition that I receive in return a show of gratitude.
I was also going to mention as it actually happened to me the other day that I fear it may be deemed bad manners to walk up to someone you have never met and ask "has anyone ever told you that you look like that man who killed all of those people in Norway?" I find that particularly bad form. I surprised myself by not really being too offended by the fact I had been compared to a psychotic murdering bastard but more so by the fact that he is a bit of an ugly fucker. Anyway, I reconciled myself with the fact that recently I spent an entire afternoon referring to a man as Peter Sutcliffe as indeed in my opinion he did look a bit like him and therefore this was my comeuppance. Even though my part was probably said more in jest and to amuse the man I was talking to and less to impress my friends and look like a 'crazy' character like Dennis Pennis or Dom Joly (if you have just Googled 'Dom Joly' and ended up reading this page then can you please, with respect, fuck off now. My music is definitely not for you as in some small quarter of the Earth it may be considered as 'good'. Go on… Fuck off).
So anyway, what goes around comes around then. Unless of course it's a good thing then it just stops at half past six and sits there forever like a sack of shit.
There's some music by Meiosis here: http://www.musicbymeiosis.com (not for fans of Dom Joly).