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Meiosis 2011 Blog Archive
Wednesday 28th December 2011. Blog #29.

THE SLAVES, THE LACK OF MONEY AND THE ROMAN GOD OF ARGOS

I was nearly run over by a train last week. Not on a crossing or on a platform edge but in a shopping centre. It was my fault, I was caught off guard. It’s one of the least likely places I’d expect to be run over by a train to be honest – it being a shopping centre. However, if Roald Dahl’s Guide to Railway Safety did teach me one important lesson it’s if you do end up being run over by a train then it’s probably your own fault...

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Friday 16th December 2011. Blog #28.

CAPITALISM IS BORING

I’d like you to think about how and why you spend your time and money.
There are too many people staying in on an evening. Either watching Gary Barlow coming across as cleverer than he is, watching Bruce Forsyth or watching Z-list celebrities inflicting cruelty to insects by gobbling them up like whores...

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Wednesday 7th December 2011. Blog #27.

WHAT IS THE LIGHT?

One of the integral things about writing a blog every week, I feel, is getting upset and angry about little things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things and then writing about them. That’s what “bloggers” do isn’t it?

Taking a small thing that ordinarily a normal mundane person would accept as a part of life and making it seem bigger and more important than it actually is. It’s about thinking of a small thing that really niggles at you, that’s slowly eating away at your soul and the very centre of your being; a thing that if one day you don’t sit down and write about, it will eventually destroy the very heart that beats within you and the point of your existence on Earth.

Now, there are 3 things wrong with the above statement...

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Saturday 3rd December 2011. Blog #26.

I KEEP A CLOSE WATCH ON THIS HEART OF MINE

That Bowie gig I did then? Was fucking awesome. The Bowie Experience is easily the finest tribute Bowie band to walk this earth – everyone should book them for their weddings, garden parties, funerals, birthdays… or like me – just to see a decent David Bowie tribute band play in your town – yourself!

It wasn’t a lucrative night though. I have a few debts to pay off now. Fortunately I have a decent enough income from my day job to be able to do that relatively quickly. I see myself as a very lucky man. But I keep a close watch on this heart of mine – we need to do things like this that we love but in order to know about these we need to do the things we hate too. We all whinge about our work – but let’s face it music does not pay very well so without a very boring and tedious job to have to work through between shows then these things would never happen.

Of course some aren’t so lucky. Some work for the civil service and our state has continually fucked them over for roughly (coincidentally I’m sure) as long as we have had a Tory government. I’m trying to remember the last time when there was a strike on such a massive scale? Correct me if I’m wrong but wasn’t it the last time we had a Tory government?...

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Thursday 24th November 2011. Blog #25.

I'M ALIVE

On Saturday. This Saturday. This coming Saturday the 26th November 2011, I will be fulfilling my last act of my pledge to have a great ‘last summer of my 20s’. I couldn’t get the real David Bowie to play live for me but I have got the next best thing. It’s going to be a great night but also slightly sad. I have been just about able to scrape together the thousands of pounds I’ve spent doing this all Spring/Summer/Autumn – but I’ll also be thankful to be able to chill out slightly from now on!

If you are unaware of my brilliant idea to take up every opportunity that presents itself and to go and do as much as possible this summer just gone as it will be the last summer of my 20s then don’t worry. Everyone reading this who is above the age of 30 will know how important it is to make sure your 20s are enjoyable, and everyone under the age of 29 – do what I did! It’s awesome! Spend a fucking fortune, wear yourself down to almost the point of breakdown and set back your ambitions of settling down and becoming sensible by about 5 years!...

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Saturday 19th November 2011. Blog #24.

FALSE ADVERTISING

I’m about to go outside. It’s cold. I have another 25 posters to put up for next week’s “Bowie” gig. I’m still wondering if I’m going to break even on it. Probably not.

I put up a load of posters in the pouring ice-cold rain just over a week ago. A quick surveillance of a few places on Wednesday confirmed what always happens; my posters have been pulled down to accommodate someone else’s or just plain pulled down. Sometimes I consider a course of action for this kind of scenario. Murder has been deemed a definite no-no as it creates more problems than it solves...

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Tuesday 8th November 2011. Blog #23.

48 HOURS… TAPPING MY FINGERS

I used to love my own company. I really relished and looked forward to time on my own. When everyone would just fuck off out of the house and leave me at peace with my thoughts.

I guess I still do. Last weekend I managed to cut myself off from the entire outside world for a whole 48 hours. Well, in truth the outside world kind of cut itself off from me too as it didn’t invite me anywhere or entice me with anything remotely tempting.

It might have been a good opportunity to write some music, write some promotional stuff for this big “David Bowie” gig we’re putting on or maybe even just masturbate non-stop until literally, the cows come home. In actual fact I did absolute jack shit fuck all.

I listened to some music, a few podcasts and read quite a lot. I got quite drunk, smoked far too many cigarettes and ate almost exclusively mince and ice cream (not together). I watched a bit of TV and was almost tempted at one point to go out for a walk. I didn’t.

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Wednesday 26th October 2011. Blog #22.

THE DEATH OF HUMAN KIND AND INSTRUMENTAL FINDS

My album is out. Almost very nearly properly! There’s a little delay getting the physical copies to the distributor – if you’d like to know the reason why and who is responsible then it’s because some dafty at the record company didn’t know the CDs had to be shipped to America for worldwide distribution. I’ll not name any names but I’ll be going down on them like a ton of bricks (just imagine that!)...

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Tuesday 18th October 2011. Blog #21.

FAME

Doesn’t time fly when you are working to a deadline? On Monday I will release my first album for 11 years. There’s still a load of work to do. I’ve done little in the way of promotion and the physical CDs are still being born in a factory as I type (should have had them by now!) It’s mainly down to money. It costs a pretty penny to do this and I haven’t had as much time on my hands as I would have liked. However album day is nigh and you may now go and buy it! The best and quickest way to obtain a copy is to get it from the Meiosis store on this website here. Or if you are that way inclined just go to your favourite MP3 internet store on Monday and get a copy there – they have loads in stock! Literally millions of copies for you all!

There is a vinyl version on its way and this is the reason I recorded the album in the first place. I wanted to be very old-fashioned about it. I think this may still be a couple of months off and because of that I’ll probably add something else to it (making it limited edition and special). Just what I’m not so sure!

So here we go… Meiosis – Where Reality Ends and I Begin will be out on Monday! – That sentence is the top and bottom of all the promotion I am doing! I’d like to do more but it looks like we’re using the drip drip approach now. I might do a small gig soon to celebrate. Watch this space carefully as I probably won’t be promoting that either!

Maybe I’m only bitter because I don’t have a brother to argue with to constantly keep me in the music news and promote my new album. Please, please I beg of you… if you see a story on the internet about anybody by the name of Gallagher – don’t click on it. News outlets gauge reaction to this shit by how many hits a certain page gets. If it gets loads of hits they are going to run more of this shit!

Normally I don’t bother, but last week I was stupid enough to click on and read yet another stupid Gallagher story. It read that Noel Gallagher (of Oasis fame) felt cheated by the current coalition government. He felt cheated because nobody had voted for this and therefore he felt there should have been another election. He then went on to say that he voted for a ‘pirate’ in the election because he didn’t know who to vote for and was kind of forced by his wife to vote: “there was a man dressed as a pirate at the bottom of the voting slip, so I just voted for him”...

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Thursday 6th October 2011. Blog #20.

EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED

A man goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please", says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid...

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Friday 30th September 2011. Blog #19.

TIME

I am very busy and have been for most of the year. I’m surprised I have got through to October without either serious mental illness and/or death. I am however now feeling that I may have made a mistake. I should have possibly started to slow down a bit but because I have got so used to the idea of being so unbelievably busy I have decided that I am now superhuman and I can do anything and everything all in one go. Well I am wrong...

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Thursday 22nd September 2011. Blog #18.

MOTHER DEAR

Rather than ranting on one subject this week I thought I’d give you a little mixed bag of nuts with a few things that I need to report. Don’t get annoyed. It’s free you motherfuckers!...

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Tuesday 13th September 2011. Blog #17.

LOST PROPERTY

I don't hoard things. However I do enjoy just a little bit of clutter around me if I can afford the space. I have pieces of music memorabilia that would be worthless but mean the world to me. I have also managed to collect and keep the ticket to every single concert I have ever attended since the first show I saw in 1995. I didn't mean to collect all these. I just did and now it's become an obsession. I also keep stuff that I think may be of some worth in the future. Railway memorabilia is good because it's highly sort-after by those who have not yet discovered the joys of drinking. Occasionally it pains me to discover that these items have gone missing forever.

So about 15 years ago when it was time to retire my broken old piano which would never stay in tune and upgrade to something… well something usable, my dad and I wheeled the old thing into the garage and broke it up so we could put it in the car and take it to the rubbish tip. On removing the keyboard I discovered that the manufacturer, presumably as some sort of padding, had placed...

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Friday 9th September 2011. Blog #16.

In the spirit of being a DIY musician I have prepared a promotional video for 'This Time'. In the spirit of being a DIY musician I filmed it on my iPhone. In the spirit of being a DIY musician I made @undammed on the Twitters walk backwards over a very busy North Bridge in Edinburgh (twice) and also across a road next to what us Geordies lovingly call 'The Trainspotting Steps' but this probably annoys those from Scottsland so much I shall refer to them as 'The Stairs by The Black Bull Tavern On Carlton Road'...

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Thursday 25th August 2011. Blog #15.

So have I accomplished what I set out to achieve? I set out to write and record an album that encapsulates the wrath of manic depression.

No I haven't...

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Friday 19th August 2011. Blog #14.

I have recently embarked on a crusade of good manners. Inspired in part by reading Michael Legge's blog http://michaelleggesblog.blogspot.com - for which I have supplied a link (although you shouldn't feel the need to follow it as you are already reading a blog which will cater for all of you blogging needs for the next three to four minutes).

People I know may not have noticed my crusade but it is important to point out that it does not involve not responding with the phrase "fuck off" when asked politely and timidly for a favour...

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Saturday 13th August 2011. Blog #13.

Well that's it. It's August and the last summer of my twenties is as good as over. I might as well hide under my bed from now on. I have tried to pack as much into this summer as I felt possible without harming my physical and mental health and I believe I have just scraped through unscathed...

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Tuesday 2nd August 2011. Blog #12.

HE SAID "NO MORE LOUD MUSIC".

The most exciting things that have happened this week are:...

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Thursday 21st July 2011. Blog #11.

Geri Halliwell is pretty regular. She has to take a shit at 9am every morning. Otherwise she gets grumpy. Of course many of us don't have the luxury of being available at 9am every morning as we work for a living...

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Thursday 14th July 2011. Blog #10.

Over time I have learned to loath Facebook. Social networking sites on the whole I can get away with as I feel they are a phenomenon which have stretched people's imagination and if used well can bring good things to your life, but Facebook I have decided is a force for evil and I have decided that I will shortly remove myself from the site. Why?...

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Thursday 7th July 2011. Blog #9.

There's nothing for me to whinge about this week. Everything is tickety boo isn't it? For a weekly blog that is still yet young and has already touched upon the surface of freedom of speech, the inaccuracies of the media and how the general public are generally idiots, I'm at a loss as to what I should be writing about this week.

Then I noticed a slight shift in public opinion...

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Thursday 30th June 2011. Blog #8.

I returned from Glastonbury in one piece. Well I mean I didn't do any of the things the Daily Mail would have us believe happens to everyone who attends. I didn't do any drugs, I didn't feel it had become too corporate, I didn't eat a hot dog, I didn't fall into a long drop toilet, I didn't get robbed, I didn't see anyone who was any more trendy than anyone who attended in the 1970s, I didn't roll around in the mud...

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Friday 24th June 2011. Blog #7.

Martin is currently away, living it up in a Somerset field. So here's a blog that he wrote a few weeks ago but decided was too gloomy for publication! I felt it deserved to be rescued from oblivion as it's not (in my opinion) miserable - but actually rather life-affirming, thought-provoking and definitely worth a read - especially if you're one of the estimated 340 million people residing on this planet who have ever suffered from depression.

Today I had the unfortunate fortune to be in a place where a young lady collapsed. As I got more involved I thought maybe epilepsy or diabetes - then the girl started talking… 'I'm 20 years old, my name is [blah blah] and I have run away from [blah blah] clinic. I have taken 3 bottles of paracetamol.'...

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Saturday 18th June 2011. Blog #6.

Pavement cyclists are the lowest of the low. The gig at Head of Steam last week went as well as could be expected...

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Friday 10th June 2011. Blog #5.

The afternoon before I do a gig, whether it's me playing or I'm just putting on the bands, is always a bit uncomfortable. My mind tends to go blank as to what preparation I've done, what I still need to do and what it is I am meant to be doing. I have ample spare time to get myself sorted and off to the venue in good time. However, if my mind has gone blank and I have this strange preparation constipation then how can I physically manage to do such a simple thing?

So, as instruction to myself here are all the things I have to do:...

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Thursday 1st June 2011. Blog #4.

I've been told I have to start promoting my blog a bit more. I don't want to - as I don't think it's particularly good… but anyway I am going to force myself to publicise this one as at the end of it I'm going to give you all a link to a very good cause...

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Saturday 28th May 2011. Blog #3.

A debate I found interesting and intriguing this week was on an internet forum and was on the subject of bootlegs of live concerts.  Here's roughly how it went...

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Thursday 19th May 2011. Blog #2.

On Saturday I went down to The Sage (which I'm told I must always point out is in Gateshead rather than Newcastle whenever given the chance), Gateshead to see San Diego's The Black Heart Procession. They were great. They have some really beautiful songs and their minimal arrangement here made them sound even more melancholic. Support came in the form of Martin from local act The Lake Poets who turned out to be a fitting opener with his own brand of twee tunes to match. We had arrived at the venue at 8 on the dot and the lights had just gone down for the first act so we quickly fumbled towards the nearest seats. I felt slightly awkward having been the source of such a distraction but it didn't matter as we were quickly settled and it really was pitch black dark, so there was not a cat in hell's chance of anyone being able to put a face to the, albeit quiet,  shuffling! Anyway about halfway through Martin's set the room was distracted again when somebody behind us engaged in what sounded like a very amusing mobile telephone conversation...

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Wednesday 11th May 2011. Blog #1.

So, I'm starting a blog. My first rule of thumb with blogs is don't start your blog with "So, [insert recent news event or random thing you've been thinking about or doing]". It irritates me and what irritates me may also irritate you.  I shall never ever do that. I promise...

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