2012 - MusicByMeiosis

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Meiosis 2012 Blog Archive
Sunday 30th December 2012. Blog #68.

HOW TO HATE SIMON COWELL

(& I HAVEN’T EVEN MENTIONED THE X FACTOR)

Those Mayans banged on about the end of the world as if there was no tomorrow. I’m not sure why they were so concerned. The end of the world happened in 2002 when Simon Cowell took over. Last week the UK government finally made it legal to rip a CD onto your computer. Simon Cowell is livid...

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Sunday 16th December 2012. Blog #67.

CONSUMER ADVICE

The sooner you realise that everything is a little bit shit then the sooner you will be able to make things just a little bit better for yourself. I am an optimistic kind of guy & like to think that the glass is half full rather than half empty, unless it is an actual glass of beverage, then I’d be thinking ahead to achieving a full glass once again and thus accepting that it is in fact half empty. However, my good nature and optimistic outlook has been severely tested by what I can only describe as a bunch of massive dickwads who have ripped me off one after the other, to the point where I was so stressed and depressed with the world, I was considering becoming a hermit & never ever trying to do anything ever again...

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Thursday 6th December 2012. Blog #66.

I DON'T MEAN TO BE AWKWARD BUT...

I still didn’t hike my gig prices up from £3 to £4 this autumn. In the end we plumped for giving you wonderful attendees value for money. We have had some of the best local live acts play & the most fun , at these gigs, I have had at any gig I have put on in the last 7 years. I did not lose any money either, which is a new thing I will be happy to have to get used to. I did not make any money either so maybe there is more work to be done...

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Thursday 15th November 2012. Blog #65.

UNFINISHED-BLOG-FOR-ME

It is 2 days to go until my final gig of 2012. It has been a difficult week. After having written extensively last week about how much I was looking forward to seeing the 2 headline bands play together again, one of the bands dropped out due to commitments in the local catering sector. ‘Bollocks’, I thought to myself as I cried into my hands, ‘I have spent an awful lot of time promoting this and we’re expecting a decent crowd now. Oh well, at least we still have the other headliner’… and then they dropped out due to a shift in the local housing market...

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Monday 5th November 2012. Blog #64.

EVERYTHING BEATUTIFUL IS FAR AWAY

How do you begin when you don’t want to begin? How do you end when you do not want to end? I feel closer to the end of this incarnation of Meiosis than I do to the start. I set myself the goal, the target of 3 albums in 3 years and I’ve just started writing my 3rd album. I have absolutely no time to do, or think, or wonder where this ‘Meiosis’ thing might lead because I have spent so much time on writing, recording, mixing, releasing and not promoting the music. I hate promoting. It’s the worst bit of making music. Once upon a time – that bit was left to somebody else. Not now, you have to creep among the realms of the popular press as an ‘artist’ now to even make yourself noticed. Faking it to DJs, journalists & anyone in the media you can lay your cold ‘promoter’s’ hands on. I hope that Jimmy Savile dies...

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Sunday 28th October 2012. Blog #63.

THE SAME BUT BETTER

I appear to have quite a lot going on at the moment. I’m considering a small Meiosis UK tour for the Spring, I’m constantly editing live music by other bands I have recorded, I have begun the writing process for the next Meiosis album & I’m fighting off the idea in my head to do a silly free Christmas gig in THAT Newcastle. Along with occasionally recording cameo bits and pieces and finding the time to start an entire spin off album with a very worthy artist and somewhere in-between holding down a full time job, I’m kind of pleased Meiosis has led me this way but also daunted by the fact that I have to undertake all of this within a certain amount of time...

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Friday 26th October 2012. Blog #62.

DEAR JIM

How do I avoid writing a blog about your exploits? I have formed several opinions that I believe are worthwhile but I believe my blog should be set aside from others by never writing about what is in popular demand but instead drawing some attention to the things that are important to me. You are not important to me. However, I’d like to offer you some form of defence. Trial by media will always be pretty much one-sided, and decided before anyone can hear any form of defence. Do you wanna be in my gang? My gang?

…Oh you’re dead. Blog avoided...

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Monday 17th September 2012. Blog #61.

THIS MONEY WOULD BE BETTER SPENT ON SCHOOLS AND HOSPITALS

Yeah, I’m just going to go straight into a rant this week. I’ll not bother boring you with the details of my album release or my wonderful gig yesterday. I’ll just get on and give you rant thirsty, liberal idiots what you want. What you want are the thoughts from my mind, so to save you extracting them via psychology or hypnosis or Scientology, I’ll just write them here for your convenience...

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Thursday 13th September 2012. Blog #60.

RIDING ON A WAVE OF COOLNESS & CALM

When the sun shines onto the water, or through the clouds, or reflects on a mirror, or shines through tiny gaps in the curtains, creating a beam of light where you can clearly see the droplets of dust, dead skin and other discarded natural artefacts simultaneously fall slowly and gently to their temporary resting place, in perfect formation and unity whilst you are burping and farting on your settee on an early autumn afternoon, it makes you think about things that are beautiful. Did it jump or was it pushed? Did anyone see?...

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Wednesday 5th September 2012. Blog #59.

SHOOTS, EATS AND LEAVES

MY NEW ALBUM IS OUT!

Yeah, blog readers… my new album ‘Songs For 20 Something Year Olds’ is out now and I have already sold a staggering 6 units! I know, I know… calm down it is amazing but 3 of those had free download codes so really it’s only half of that – whatever that is. You do the maths.

It’s only £3 to download - so that might explain why I have such high volumes of people crashing my website to place their order. If you have trouble with the server being overloaded or whatever, please do check back in a few days after the hype has calmed down a little. Then, I can assure you, all will be swift and easy...

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Wednesday 25th August 2012. Blog #58.

WE ARE ALL MADE OF ‘GEORDIE SWIMMERS’

With the amount of stag & hen parties in Newcastle this evening, I wonder how many women, men and animals the locals can mate with? I wonder if the entire world is related to Geordie Boys (whey-ya-ya-whoh-oh-whoh). If the televisual feast programme Who Do You Think You Are?, which appears to be named after a Spice Girls song, actually did their research properly, then I think they would find that everyone is somehow related to  Ant and/or Dec. I wonder why more children aren’t called Newcastle after where they were conceived?...

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Monday 7th August 2012. Blog #57.

HOW SWEET TO BE

You do all know I’m an idiot right? Quite socially awkward and a bit unable to control my own lanky limbs and facial expressions. I sometimes say things which sound fine in my own head but come out with unintended expression which changes the meaning to another person. Occasionally, I can tame this to my advantage. Most of the time, it just leads me from one embarrassment to the next...

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Wednesday 1st August 2012. Blog #56.

HANG THE DIET

The Atkins diet has to be the best diet ever. Not for actually losing weight but for sheer arrogance. Yeah just cram as much bacon and jelly into your gob as you can. In fact don’t have anything else and eventually you will begin to see the pounds drop off. Yeah, through your terrible illness because of a vitamin C deficiency, or depression due to lack of friends thanks to your appalling body odour...

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Monday 30th July 2012. Blog #55.

SONGS FOR 20 SOMETHING YEAR OLDS

For much of my life, in fact a third of my life, I have had little direction, few ideas and very few ambitions. When I was a teenager I think I thought that one day I’d be in a proper famous band and signed to a real independent record company, doing gigs for love at the Glastonbury Festival & doing gigs for money at the Reading Festival.  I worked on my songs and I perfected my odd spasm dance moves to make myself into the perfect frontman for the bestest band ever...

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Monday 16th July 2012. Blog #54.

HOLOGRAMS

I don’t agree with the music industry making money from holograms of dead people. Is it only me who believes this is morally wrong?

I saw the 2Pac thing from Coachella this year. Don’t get me wrong – I think it’s amazing what they can do with this hologram technology. It was all pretty impressive and perhaps a great gimmick too if you’re Snoop Doggy Bang Bang or Ice Flinch to have your mate perform alongside you but it appears to have opened up the floodgates for something more sinister...

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Thursday 12th July 2012. Blog #53.

HYPOCRISY

I think someone shouting “DON’T YOU KNOW THIS IS THE ‘QUIET COACH’?!!” at the top of their voice is rather funny. However, for those who have to put up with the angry man in the quiet coach, it is probably the bane of their life. There’s always one who will shout at the noise of somebody tapping on their laptop or just looking at their mobile phone. If you do a reasonably long train journey, one of them will pipe up. You may hear them muttering to the Train Guard “can you do something about him?”, “What?” “Him, he has been gently tapping his foot on the floor for EXACTLY ten minutes and forty five seconds now… and nobody is doing ANYTHING about it.” ...

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Wednesday 4th July 2012. Blog #52.

7th OF THE 7th

I think this story starts on the 7th July 2005.

On the 7th July 2005 at 0856, I rolled up in Kings Cross station. What happened to me from then on defined my life forever. I felt vulnerable. I was frightened – I felt scared. It took us an hour before we knew what was going on. Primary reports came through that a train had ‘blown up, due to a power surge’. The station was evacuated. We were the only people left. We didn’t know what to do...

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Tuesday 26th June 2012. Blog #51.

THE COMPLETE BANKER

I’m sorry? Is that as good as you can do? I’m sorry because I had not remembered to take a bag of rubbish out last night. I’m sorry because I cannot find your wallet that you lost all by yourself. I am sorry because I don’t know whether this is meant to be last week’s blog, catching up or this week’s blog early. Either way I’m sorry...

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Wednesday 20th June 2012. Blog #50.

LEAVING ON A JET PLANE

I really fucking hate flying. There is no part of my body that agrees with it. Apart from my brain being terrified of the destruction that 85 tons of metal  with 35,000 lbs of aviation fuel could cause to me should it collide impolitely with ... erm... anything whatsoever, it also hurts every single part of my body. If I don't have cramp, I have a headache, or my knee hurts or my temple pulsates uncontrollably...

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Thursday 31st May 2012. Blog #49.

FOR THE DISHWASHER

My main problem in life is the fact that I’m cack-handed at ordinary social situations such as walking past a group of people, talking to strangers and building up relationships with people I know but don’t really consider friends. This may be why I only ever feel at home and comfortable either on my own or standing on a stage in front of between 10 and 300 people. I don’t like getting on a bus at a village bus stop. I can’t help but feel the piercing stares and attentiveness of the people already on the bus, as they first observe you performing the act of stopping the bus. Then they watch you get onto the bus and listen to how you address your well-prepared speech to the driver. Then there is the long walk through the gazing towards an empty seat, preferably near the back where fewer people can conceive critical notes regarding the shape of the back of your head. It is usually on this walk from the front of the bus that I seem to completely forget how my legs work and develop a somewhat eccentric stride...

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Friday 25th May 2012. Blog #48.

GOING DOWNHILL FAST

Kids, take a piece of clingfilm and put the middle of it in your mouth and suck. Don’t be stupid and choke yourselves… now twist the end to make a bubble in the bit you have in your mouth. Now pop the bubble. That was my main form of entertainment in 1989...

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Friday 18th May 2012. Blog #47.

IF YOU COULD MAKE EVERYBODY POOR, JUST SO YOU CAN BE RICH?

I am unable to make it through the night without having to get up to do a wee at least once. This makes me smile as in my early 20s I was responsible for taking the piss (no pun intended) out of my companions for being ‘older’ and slightly more decrepit than I was at the time. It's worth me pointing out now, that the intervening years have passed me by quickly & unceremoniously, almost as if they didn't matter at all.

Due to the hand I've been dealt, I am a man who appears on looks alone to be 10 years older than he actually is & this time last year, this manifested itself in my 29 year old brain as ‘people will always assume that instead of a man in his 20s, acting like a man in his 20s - that I am in fact a much older man, acting like a prick’. It is only now dawning on me that I am just a prick...

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Friday 11th May 2012. Blog #46.

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

It has not escaped my attention that from today I have been writing this blog for a year. I’d like to say that within that year I have achieved what I set out to do, however I have no idea of what it was I set out to achieve. I have even tried reading my first few, to see if they held any clues but… no they didn’t. I suppose the main reason I do it is to drive some recurring traffic to the website and to encourage peeps to listen to my music, and it appears to kind of work… [COUGH] BRITNEY SPEARS NAKED...

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Tuesday 1st May 2012. Blog #45.

I’M 30, FUCK’S SAKE

Never mind your gigs with your ‘musical group’ or your DJing at Flim Flab on a Saturday night ‘til 3am. Forget your managing a rock band or thinking of writing shit about shit on ‘That World Wide Web’. I turn 30 this week and I have many many much more important things to tell you about...

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Monday 23rd April 2012. Blog #44.

THE EUSTON FLYER

I'm in that London again. In the Euston Flyer wondering how long it'll be before Mr Proud from Captain Trips turns up so I can then go home. The Euston Flyer is as far as I want to venture into the Capital today. I didn't really want to leave the confines of Kings Cross station but I have been a brave little soldier and crossed the road to get to the nearest pub...

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Thursday 12th April 2012. Blog #43.

THE APOLOGIST

It’s difficult to have an opinion. Unless you’re Jeremy Kyle and, like him, you’re completely 100% sure of yourself and your own assumptions. I think this may have more to do with the kind of people Jeremy Kyle knocks around with and presents his opinions to on a daily basis rather than him know right from wrong...

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Sunday 8th April 2012. Blog #42.

ALL I NEED IS ME

I consider the consequences of every single thing I do. I always look towards the future when proposed, acknowledged or compromised with anything. I see this as a problem. I cannot respond instantly to anything. If I was only more like Jeremy Kyle and sooo cocksure of myself that I could form an opinion on something within a split second with no thought whatsoever, then I wonder if my life would be happier and easier?...

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Thursday 29th March 2012. Blog #41.

THE RHOMBULUS ORANGELY OUT OF ITS HEAD

I was sitting in traffic. Sat still in my car when a mad driver on the opposite carriage veered for no reason and I feared for my life. The next song to come out of my car stereo was Herbie Treehead’s ‘Happy Song’. I had an image of people coming to the rescue and dragging my dead body from the car with this soundtrack still playing out of the car stereo. It’s not like in the films is it?...

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Thursday 22nd March 2012. Blog #40.

_______ ______ IS A _______

Note. After taking advice I have decided to edit this blog and remove anything that may have been deemed legally dubious. I think it still holds as much power and venom as the original...

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Wednesday 21st March 2012. Blog #39.

THERE’S ALWAYS SOMEONE COOLER THAN YOU

I’m bald. Yes I am. It troubles me to admit it. I’ve been happy to go with ‘losing my hair’ for ten years but now I have to admit I am definitely bald. Not even good bald, not ‘sexy bald’. The bad bald, the bagel headed, brown haired, tuft at the front, puts twenty years on him bald. My hair started to recede when I was 17. I wasn’t bothered then as I thought by 2012 they will have some kind of miracle ointment that can cure all baldness. I would not feel so sad about losing my hair if I wasn’t so gay about it! I loved my hair – I could fashion it into many different styles and people would gather from far and wide to stroke it as it is very very soft. Almost like a kitten or a rabbit...

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Sunday 11th March 2012. Blog #38.

THE SOBER I REPULSED BY THE DRUNK ME

I was having a wonderful time the other day sharpening pencils. I haven’t had the need to do that for a long while. And also on this day I had no need other than an uncontrollable need and will to sharpen a couple of pencils with a big pencil sharpener with a handle. It was splendid.

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Wednesday 29th February 2012. Blog #37.

A SHORT BLOG ABOUT NOTHING (I AM A PC)

Thirty days has September,
April, June and November,
All the rest have thirty one,
Expect for February alone,
Which has twenty eight days clear,
And twenty nine each leap year.

It’s rare that you hear that poem in its entirety. Although no doubt, either someone will recite the first 2 lines to you, or you do it yourself in your head towards the end of every month. It must be the 2nd most underrated thing ever. The second bit is crap though because the poet has rhymed ‘clear’ with ‘year’ – which only works if you’re a bit posh and thus only serves to widen the North/South divide...

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Sunday 26th February 2012. Blog #36.

O2, ORANGES AND KEITH LEMON



When I was a young man, soon to become the adult tramp I have grown into, I remember seeing these stickers in various places. My guitar teacher (yes a professional actually taught me these three chords) definitely had one in his little hutch in his house where he kept all of his guitary stuff. I wondered ‘what on earth does this mean? Does it mean you shouldn’t listen to records? What a stupid movement and a big bunch of idiots’. I was considering my own campaigns; ‘KEEP BOOKS IN YOUR HEAD’ or ‘DON’T ALLOW ANYTHING TO TAKE A PHYSICAL FORM’. Of course I was young and naïve...

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Thursday 16th February 2012. Blog #35.

HAGUE’S A TORY… (HUNKY DORY)

Well well well. How are you? You’re looking good. I see you have come to subject yourself to another one of my blogs. You must have done something pretty awful to subject yourself to this kind of torture again. All I can say is I respect your self discipline.

I must apologise that there was no blog last week. This is partly because I had nothing to write about and partly because I have been busy writing and recording songs for a second (or fifth depending on how you look at it) album. My plan was to record some more today but I have a poorly wrist from playing guitar for seven hours the other day. I need one of those support doo dah things like Mr Greenwood from Radiohead. If I did though people would just say I’m trying to copy offa him like they say I’m trying to copy offa Jarvis Cocker by just talking to peeps between songs when I play live. So for them and them only I will just carry on in tremendous pain!

So, as I can’t play guitar, I thought I’d write a blog instead but I’m guessing I won’t be writing much here either as typing kind of hurts too. I’m using my knee as support for my wrist at the moment. It’s a pretty uncomfortable position to be sitting in.

Anyway, maybe you can’t bear much more of my whingeing and I can’t bear the pain of typing -  so I will crack on. I have some Meioisis stuff to tell you about, then maybe a short rant about the Tory government and, if I can, a short bit at the end about getting fat, bald and old and that’ll be about your lot. The usual YouTube video at the end and a couple of lines of promotion. Slap, bang, wallop… here goes [clenches wooden spoon in mouth]…

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Sunday 5th February 2012. Blog #34.

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

...

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Thursday 26th January 2012. Blog #33.

PAVEMENT CYCLISTS ARE THE LOWEST OF THE LOW

I have mentioned this before but only very briefly. I think it’s time to expand. If I hold a door open for you, say thank you. If you ask me a favour, say please. If you don’t then I think you are a fucking moron...

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Tuesday 17th January 2012. Blog #32.

I’M AFRAID THAT IT’S ANOTHER ONE ABOUT MUSIC

Well that was a lovely gig at The Bridge Hotel. Meiosis played night number 2 of 4, that were all organised by the great Ian Courtney (@cowandspoon on the Twitters). All the other acts on the bill were also awesome, namely Jamie O’Neil, Lucy Pickard and Psy Of The Dead. I am aware that some Meiosis fans were loud and loutish during Lucy’s set, however take solace in the fact that these people are unaware of the etiquette when good music is being performed due to the very fact that they are fans of Meiosis. I hope they are forgiven. Anyway, it was all in aid of Mr Courtney’s birthday and more so in aid of Coalition Against Crime which is a great little charity that shows kids who are on the wrong track in life the right direction to change their ways. You can find out more about them here: http://www.thecoalition.org.uk – I am reliably informed all 4 nights were a success and raised a good deal of money and awareness for the charity, and I was really proud to be a little part of it...

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Tuesday 10th January 2012. Blog #31.

WHATEVER CAN WE DO?

I spent the entire evening on Bandcamp. Again. Just because I decided in my tiny mind that you might like to hear for free the music I grafted away on before you buy it. I got a payment for the first 3 months of my album sales. It appears my album sales are healthy in Brazil (they buy any crap), New Zealand (I’m yet to work out if they exist – I must go there) and Japan (anyone’s guess is as good as mine). I received a reasonable sum of money and I was happy with it.

If you don’t want to read about a musician whinging, don’t read this. If you do – then you will absolutely love this – but be sure to buy some stuff at the end!

Until I realised that I have been playing exclusively live in Newcastle, England for the past year and my album sales in Newcastle have been relatively low. It’s very odd that people from afar seem to be loving my music and the people nearby don’t give a shit. Isn’t that odd?...

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Saturday 7th January 2012. Blog #30.

THE RISE AND FALL OF MEIOSIS AND THE SPIDERS FROM TYNE AND WEAR

This Sunday is Mr David ‘Bowie’ ‘Ziggy’ ‘Starman’ ‘Thin White Duke’ ‘Tin Machine’ ‘Berliner’ ‘Major Tom’  Jones’ 65th birthday. 15 years ago Bowie staged a massive birthday bash concert in New York with guests reaching far and wide across the musical spectrum that he travelled through to arrive at that point. Lou Reed was there, Billy Corgan was there, The Foo Fighters were there, Frank Black was there, Robert Smith was there and Sonic Youth were there...

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