PAVEMENT CYCLISTS ARE THE LOWEST OF THE LOW
I have mentioned this before but only very briefly. I think it’s time to expand. If I hold a door open for you, say thank you. If you ask me a favour, say please. If you don’t then I think you are a fucking moron. Disabled parking bays are for people who hold non-forged blue disabled badges not for people who have something that’s a bit heavy or worse somebody who has eaten so many chips that all of their metabolism has gone to pieces and especially not for anyone who is ‘only going to be 2 minutes’. Fuck off you massive inconsiderate fucking dick.
Recently some supermarkets have introduced ‘Child and Parent’ car parking spaces, presumably so those with families don’t have far to carry their heavy shopping and manage their child across a busy car park full of 20-something year-old drivers like me who will mow over any fucker just to get out of that fucking place as quickly as possible. A friend of mine (well – I say friend but what I mean is ‘somebody I know’) told me that he had gone to the supermarket with his children and couldn’t get parked in these bays so waited, and once realising that everybody parked there was without child but more of a lazy, fat, mobile cunt he went inside and complained about the matter. They said there was nothing they could do as they had no way of enforcing the policy. “So”, he said, “I just park there all the time regardless now”. HELLO?!! You massive fucking tool… isn’t this exactly what you were complaining about? This ‘If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ attitude you have is moralistically bollocksed up by your own fuckwit position.
If everyone just had a little bit of courtesy and a shred of manners then this world could be a much more beautiful place to live. I’m putting aside for the moment pissed-up football fans spitting into your face whilst they angrily ask you for directions. They don’t ask you a question. They address you as if they are slamming the information into Google with their fat pie-and-chip fingers to see what results will come out. Stag and hen parties are the same. “Oh… we’re just having a good time!” – FUCK the FUCK off! If normally respectable citizens go about having a good time by acting like complete cunts then you know they are no better than the cunts they are acting like. I went on a stag party last year. I was best man too and I can honestly say we got absolutely wrecked, had a great time and were all very respectful and aware of our surroundings – trying not to piss anyone off or hamper anyone else’s good time.
I’m also holding my hands up. I’m aware that I have acted like an inconsiderate twat at times in my life. I always feel guilty about it too though (in fact there are 2 songs on my latest album about that very subject, namely The Sober I, Repulsed By The Drunk Me and Maniac FM. Go and take a listen – http://www.musicbymeiosis.com/music.html)
Off the top of my head there’s the time I shouted at Jarvis Cocker, there’s the time I invaded the stage at a Divine Comedy gig, there’s the times I’ve picked fights with people smaller than me, there’s all the times I’ve driven everybody around me up the wall. However - at least I am aware, feel responsible and usually apologise for my actions when I get a chance.
I have photographic evidence of me apologising to Jarvis here:
So we can all be pricks sometimes. Most of the time we don’t get to tell jokes or have a song dedicated to us for our actions. That is not my message here. It’s when I acknowledge a stranger I’m walking past when there is only he and I present with a friendly “hello” I don’t expect a stony faced pissed off look back. Having said that, I walked home in the early hours of the morning the other week, I had headphones on and a man jogged up behind me and embraced me gently around the shoulders and went ”alright man!” …”hello”. I know what he was doing – he was just trying to be nice by acknowledging me and not running straight past me from behind. He was obviously a bit more drunk than I was and was running home as he had further to go and was thus aiming to cover a greater distance. Don’t do that either as I nearly shat myself! When you are walking along the bypass at half one in the morning and just next to the all-night garage some dick puts his arm on your back and shouts “ALRIGHT MATE!” in your ear, it kinda puts the willies right up you.
I prefer that though than you being horrible to each other. At least he was TRYING to be nice. So I plead be nice… but not so nice that you freak everyone out.
A pavement cyclist once rode past me at speed onto a busy station concourse on a wet and rainy day. She took a sharp right turn and the bicycle slid from beneath her on the wet ceramic tiles and she fell arse first to the ground about 15 feet from her bike. I casually walked right up to the lady who was flat on her back and leaned down to her with my hands on my thighs and said “that’s why you shouldn’t cycle on the station”. Then I walked away. I bet she walked her bike in from then on. And I wish this fate upon anyone who is old enough to understand that cycling at speed along a pedestrian area is a bit stupid. When kids do it I don’t mind so much as they are young, carefree and stupid. When adults do it then it really boils my piss!
There is only one thing worse than a pavement cyclist and that’s a 40 year-old man on a skateboard. I am not making this up – I know one. He’s quite annoying! I see him regularly and if you tell him off he tells you that his daddy is a policeman and he’ll get him on to you. He’s not mentally ill or suffering from learning difficulties he’s just a complete 40 year-old twat on a skateboard. I think his dad is quite high up in the police force like a la de da commissioner or something which may explain why he’s such a dick. But then as far as I’m aware the highest commissioner in the police force thinks it is ok to happily shoot you in the head with a machine gun if you run for the tube.
Did you see that film about Margaret Thatcher? The Iron Lady. It came out as a PG.
Apparently – it’s unsuitable for miners.
That joke is courtesy of Jarvis Cocker.
So if you are really impolite the police will get involved and tell you what to do and you will have to listen to them. They are the most ill-mannered organisation in the entire universe. Probably quite rightly so as they have to enforce the law of our elected government. Bear in mind that at the moment the leader of our elected government is the complete fucking prick, David Camaroon. Snugglenolia The Little Giraffe refers to him as ‘Kling Of The Klunts’. I used to be a pretend policeman so I know kinda what they are like. In my experience 20% of the UK police force are upstanding, moral, beautiful keepers of the peace and I respect and admire them greatly. The rest are complete and utter wankshafts. In all my life when I have really really needed the police they have let me down but whenever I have stepped ever so slightly out of line – they have been able to make themselves present and happily throw the book at me like a shot (no pun intended).
I fucking hate (80%) of the police.
So next time you use the excuse ‘well, everybody else does it’ then slap yourself firmly and harshly across your stupid idiot face. You are a cunt. Just because you have seen a complete fucking idiot cunty, twatty, arsewipe, shitface little tosser do something that you know is wrong before – it does not give you the green light to do the same and ultimately become one yourself.
Hold doors open. Say please and thank you. Show your appreciation for one another. Don’t be annoying. Be nice (but not too nice). Overall – DON’T BE A TWAT! (I have deliberately sworn like fuck in this blog in order to make a point. If that has offended you then fuck off.)
Have some good manners please.
Buy my new album at http://www.musicbymeiosis.com
Martin ‘Meiosis’ Thompson will be playing at The Cluny in Newcastle on Sunday 29th January. Then he’s going to have a rest from organising gigs for himself and start writing another album. However if you’d like to book him for your gigs use the contact tab on this website. If he’s free he’ll probably do it. As long as you’re not a cunt.