THE RHOMBULUS ORANGELY OUT OF ITS HEAD
I was sitting in traffic. Sat still in my car when a mad driver on the opposite carriage veered for no reason and I feared for my life. The next song to come out of my car stereo was Herbie Treehead’s ‘Happy Song’. I had an image of people coming to the rescue and dragging my dead body from the car with this soundtrack still playing out of the car stereo. It’s not like in the films is it? But I think I’d have been happy with that. None of my friends would have known that’d have been the case as I don’t think my imaginary rescue people would have had the balls to tell them – but I was 2 inches and 2 MPH away from death today…. It made me think I should probably get on with work for a new album and gigs! So I did! I hate Stephen Moyes.
I’m sitting in a very dark room. Music is playing in my ear holes as it always is. I think I deserve a fucking honorary degree in music now as it runs through my blood so thickly that it is clogging up my vital lifelines.
I wrote two blogs last week. If you managed to read the second, then you’re a lucky person as it was only really up on the World Wide Web for two days. I guessed from my feedback that, although I was correct, nobody wanted to see me go to prison. I was happy to go to prison. We have uploaded a new version for your comfort. – and even if it does not get my point across, then perhaps you can play a game where you and your friends think of something, somebody and something that really fucks you off and fill in the gaps.
So… how many more journalists am I going to accuse of being Nazis in order of making a point? Can I make clear at this point that Stephen Moyes is NOT a Nazi. Thanks. I’d also like to make sure that you know that every single journalist who has predictably followed, embellished and put their own fuck spunk on the whole untrue story is also NOT a Nazi. I’m very very very sorry I called you all Nazis. It was thoughtless, disrespectful and regrettable – to those who were repressed by Nazis.
No no – what you actually are is shit. You are completely shit. Every now and then I eat something I perhaps shouldn’t have and I have to force it out of me. Red faced and eager I eventually achieve my goal by thinking of you. When I think of you, the evil shit just pours out of me. I think you are shit. I think you are a cunt. I think you are Stephen Moyes. – not the same Stephen Moyes who writes a load of shit about my friends… no no – the Stephen Moyes I now have as a teddy bear (who by his own choice dies every night and who is a cunt).
I’ve been writing some new stuff and I’ve been rehearsing the new stuff too. It’s been a while since I did a gig so I’m trying… I’m really trying! I have already realised that I have written too many songs for the new album and although that’s what I was aiming for, I now have to go through the horrible, brutal process of dropping some of them.
There will be three Meiosis gigs this spring/summer. I’m trying very hard to make them all very different and impressive, not with me but the other acts I book. I think you should check out the live page on our website and decide whether you can beat the Tory-busting four pounds to get in to see this crazy shit!
I’m aware there are people in other places rather than Newcastle who want to see me play live but until I get a decent offer (I’m quite nice) from a promoter in these other towns then I’m not bothering myself. One of the nicest things about this ‘Meiosis’ thing that I do is that I don’t have any pressure to do anything at all. It’s all me and I’m in charge.
We’ve had offers from New Zealand to Manchester. I’m dying to go and play both but I’d prefer somebody who is not an idiot to help me out in that respect.
I think, and I know you know you aren’t going to like this, but Snugglenolia The Little Giraffe is retiring as a Meiosis member after these spring/summer dates. It’s a mutual decision. I’m thinking he is looking a bit grubby and he thinks I’m going to pull his head off. Look out for both of our solo careers in the autumn. Pony Wilson ‘The Fat Horse’ has offered to take his place but there has been no deal made as of yet.
In all jokiness – this blog is real. I feel lucky and happy that for some strange reason thousands you read this .I know that some of you, like Roy Chubby Brown fans, just read it for swearing (cunts) but I think – I don’t like you. Fuck off. I like you less than you like me now – so just fuck off. Anyone who considers themselves a ‘Ruplican’, fuck off.
Anyone who considers themselves ‘Conserveritive’ with a capital C can fuck off. Anyone who considers themselves as a ‘Complainer’ can fuck off with a capital C.
Myself and Snugglenolia have anyway been doing some undercover work. We have been trying to hack telephones as it’s popular these days. Once the press reported how to do it – it became all the rage. We tried to hack Stephen Moyes’ phone. It turns out he’s NOT a prick – but all of his articles, write-ups and life’s work suggest otherwise.
I’m not backing down.
More from Martin and his fucked up life at: