WE’RE GOING TO MISS YOU WHEN YOU’RE GONE
Somewhere, in a cold, damp, dark corner of the internet there lived a troll, rutting away at a repertoire of insulting sentences, typed in caps lock with an intriguing disregard for the correct usage of spelling, grammar or punctuation.
Quietly they searched for Facebook pages created in memory of loved ones, Twitter tributes to victims caught up in catastrophic events or anything that had ever been published on YouTube ever. By posting something abusive somewhere on the internet a troll will be looking for gratification which can come from one thing and one thing only: an outpour of disapproving and heartfelt reaction from the recipient of the abuse. This simply serves, to my mind, to wash the filth of the butcher in the blood of the lamb. So what is the solution?
There isn’t one! There you go, see how you like that you bunch of liberal, lefty, yogurt-knitting idiots?! I honestly don’t think there is any solution. The internet is full of human beings and unfortunately some of them are so far beyond education that they are a completely lost cause. In your short time on Earth it may be better and more productive to block, move on and ignore. That’s obviously easier said than done but the last time (the only time for that matter) I have been really badly trolled on the internet I tried everything. I reported it to Twitter without any response and I reported it to The Police but Sting was much too involved in his solo career to really get on board with doing anything about it. So in the end I just ignored it and it went away.
If we shout too loud about it – a) nothing will happen (this is the best option) - or b)David Cameron and his evil rich warlords will attempt once again to engage with us by saying they will do something about it whilst eating a pasty and then, in the end, do nothing about it or c)they will actually do something about it by passing some legislation that throws in a lot of other things which mean that we lose an overwhelming amount of civil liberties, and which in 10 or 20 years’ time will come back and bite us on the arse. Option c) is the worst there as not only will the legislation be a mish-mash of old pish but also, because I have rarely met a police officer who appears to know how to apply the words of the law into reality, what you’d end up with is nobody being satisfied and a load of quite innocent people who have rightfully called an ex-tabloid newspaper editor - who has moved to the Americas to kill off innocent children’s dreams and make venerable celebrities cry and who is a cunt - a cunt, being successfully prosecuted for doing so.
Much in the same vain as Mr Cameron is now making it so if I want to masturbate over indecent images I will soon have to imagine those indecent images in my head rather than do what normal, law-abiding, tax-paying Tory cabinet ministers do and type a search for them into Google and allow the good times to roll & then very quickly and ashamedly close the window down before wiping their genitals and internet history folder. If David Cameron does end up pushing his bill through, I want somebody to film it and put it on the internet.
So, right, what happened for me to spark off writing this blog is that a 20 year old man tweeted a celebrity lady on the internet, who at the time just so happened to be on BBC Radio 2 talking to a man who asks question like “when whales are stranded on beaches, instead of an expensive rescue operation, shouldn't they just be shot and eaten?” about how much she dislikes being trolled on the internet. So the nice lady celebrity retweeted the offending tweet and a nice man got in touch soon afterwards to say that he would provide a postal address to the young man’s mother if the nice celebrity lady would like to send her the offending tweet. This naturally provoked a full, frank and unreserved apology from the silly young man. Yes, it was, in the end, quite an amusing and judicial course of events. The tweet the young man offered was not very nice. In fact it was fucking disgusting and he deserves to be berated for the act but he’s perhaps just a full-time poorly informed idiot rather than a full-time internet troll, by the telltale signs of him tweeting from a Twitter account that was in not only his own name but his full name (including his middle name), and which included a link to a website which included his personal email and home address. My favourite part was when somebody tweeted a screen shot of him appearing on the BBC daytime quiz show Pointless and asking if he was horrible then too. Trolls don’t do any of that. They send messages from fake accounts, delete tweets immediately so only one person will see them on a mobile phone notification and generally become increasingly threatening and illegal. The silly boy on Twitter yesterday has, no doubt, now been dealt with by his mother and will be imagining in his head what it used to feel like inside his head when people were sometimes nice to him. The ‘real’ trolls will live on forever and ever without any form of comeuppance.
Imagine a world in which this kind of act was legislated against by the government. Horrible, isn’t it? Now imagine a world in which mothers of teenagers can opt out of their internet connection being used for accessing pornography. There will be far more time for clueless little adolescents, with more time on their hands than their own genitals, to harass the likes of us. We who no longer have the time to caress our own genitals as we are too busy engaging in the mutual consent of caressing other people’s. David Cameron, if you take away these young people’s pornography you must promise to provide more bridges for them to patrol for the unwanted passage of goats. Many other countries have adopted the sacrificing of goats as a cultural preference to calling each other cunts on the internet.
If you take nothing else away from this blog, just remember that a crime is a crime and you can report a crime online to your local police people easily via an online form. You don’t need a button on Twitter. In fact it is as pointless as calling into W. H. Smith’s to report to them you received some A4 paper with some nasty words on it.
A troll sent me a message once. I invited him over and we had a smoked salmon starter, followed by steaks and a trifle pudding. In hindsight, this was a mistake….
The salmon, it turns out, wasn’t from a sustainable source.