FOR THE DISHWASHER
My main problem in life is the fact that I’m cack-
When talking, usually when giving instruction, or trying to persuade someone, or describing something, I often can’t help a slow pace of speech, going into great detail about simple things and being very thoughtful about the words I use and the tone I adopt, rephrasing the point in as many ways as I can think of. My friends do find this rather annoying but I can’t help it. I do it because I am socially awkward and what I would do in the past in order to avoid hogging any kind of limelight in a conversation when I always believed someone else wouldn’t be interested in what I have to say, or that they would have something far more important to talk about, was to rush through what I was saying and stutter all over the place while whoever was listening to me got completely the wrong end of the stick and everything turned to a complete shambles. It stems from two experiences that I can pinpoint. The first is the PACE training I received from the police force (don’t bother asking) and the other is when I was about 16 I was left alone with a long lost aunty whilst my mother was making cups of tea and in the middle of a sentence regarding ‘what I was doing these days’, having intended to say the word ‘couldn’t’, for some reason my uncontrollable speech made it come out as ‘cunt’. I tried to calmly correct myself but started to stutter and said ‘cunt’ at her a further 6 or 7 times.
The popular 1970s end of pier comic Stewart Lee seems to use this approach to a further extent, and having been a fan of his work since the mid 1990s I think this has only made me worse, as he has validated my method. I do believe that what I don’t get around to saying today, I can say tomorrow.
Also, sometimes, I do just do it to annoy people.
I’ve spent most of the week doing D.I.Y .or rehearsing for Saturday’s gig at Cluny 2. Which would you like me to tell you about? The D.I.Y.? I’d rather tell you about the gig. What…? Gigs are not boring. Gigs are great. OK… OK – the D.I.Y. then, if you insist. I, Martin The Thompson have legitimately used for the correct purposes this week; a hammer, a screwdriver, a power drill, some blue paint, some pliers, an allen key (it’s like the Generation Game), a paint brush, old sheets, heavy duty bin bags, a paint roller and some white paint. I still haven’t managed to fuck anything up. I’m very proud but now it’s time to pay someone some money and get the rest done as, frankly, I can’t be arsed anymore!
Between this and my day job I have been rehearsing for Saturday’s Cluny 2 gig. I’ve decided to vary the set a bit and play some different and new songs. I do have a few people who come to see me all the time and it’s worth mucking around and changing things to stop this tiny hardcore following losing interest and politely declining to attend in future. We’ve also got Captain Trips, who are the band I was managing this time last year, who are wonderfully indie rock – although resent that pigeonhole. They are the love children of The Bluetones, Blink 182, Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin. Pick the bones out of that if you like! We’ve also got Orphean Sounds who I’ve seen a couple of times but never put on myself before. They are very loud and clever. They are Jizz Zee or Jizzy Rascal Jizzy Pop or Jizzmelia only with more jizz. I normally avoid organising gigs on bank holiday weekends as nobody ever turns up to them. People prefer to spend time with their friends and family whilst everybody is off work together. I know that. That’s why, when I booked this one, I avoided the bank holiday and then they have only gone and fucking moved it for Freddie Mercury or something. So please come along and show your support to us tiny, never-
I’d like to end by telling you how grateful I am for all of your support for Meiosis and particularly this website over the last 18 months. I had reason to check the figures for our visits the other day, it’s something I don’t really look at to be honest but I was surprised. We are always trying to think of new ideas and content to add. I’d like to expand on the Cults section a little, so if you think you have something worthwhile that you think we’ll approve of and that you’d like us to get involved with then please use the Contact tab to get in touch.
I’m also grateful for just still being here and making Meiosis continue. It would make financial and sometimes mental and physical sense to stop doing it – but everyone needs a hobby and doing this really does keep me on the straight and narrow. So thanks for your support. I mean that (for a change). I’m also grateful to be here as in the past I have dangled from a window, splat my face open on metal stairs, stupidly attempted to overdose on pills, drank myself stupid, had fear of having a heart attack, moved from where I was standing just before a massive rock landed where I was previously standing, fallen asleep in the bath, had a gun pointed at me by a mad man, had numerous pieces of Ikea furniture fall over on top of me, started fights I couldn’t win, fell over in the road, jumped in the sea naked and drunk, tripped over in front of oncoming traffic, electrocuted myself numerous times and had my head crushed to the point where I thought my skull was about to shatter. I think we are all like this though. We are all a bit fragile and need to look after ourselves. When I go, I’d like it to be by either my head inexplicably just falling off, in such a way it conflicts all medical science or by simply ‘Piano falls on head’. My funeral song should be If You Don’t Know Me by Now, Return to Sender or any other cliché that has been done as a joke before. (I actually want Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head by Burt Bacharach, as this is the first tune I ever heard, followed by Heroes by David Bowie – just in case you’re looking here when I cop it.)
Out of all these things, all of them that may have killed me, I find this the most remarkable and perhaps lucky if you like. I have a dishwasher. I’m kinda lower middle class so this is perfectly normal practice. The following sentence will explain what I mean by ‘lower middle class’. I can afford to have a dishwasher as an essential appliance -
I would normally load the dishwasher up during the day, popping stuff in there as I use it. So if I have no reason to hide my dirty horrible blood-
So, lower middle class kidz, I hope if you learn a lesson from this blog, it’s – close your dishwasher.
Meiosis will be playing live at the following events:
Saturday 2nd June. Cluny 2, Newcastle. 8pm. £4
Under Ten – the new solo project of Andrew Proud from Captain Trips
Here is a Facebook event page for this gig if you need such a thing: http://www.facebook.com/events/223419221094036/
And Friday 22nd June. The Bridge Hotel, Newcastle. 8pm. £3
Psy of the Dead
For more details – visit the live page on this website.
The Meiosis album, Where Reality Ends & I Begin is available from iTunes, Spotify, Amazon and anywhere else you can think of as well as it being available in its physical CD package form from the store on this website for only £4.