WHAT’S SO FUNNY ABOUT PEACE, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING?
The thing I resent most about it all is that someone somewhere thought that we were all following the storyline of the OXO adverts. The other thing I resent about everything is that people who seem uncannily nice in persona can be allowed to die and waste away to their rotting bongs and flesh, whist Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan both remain very much alive and absolutely incapable of making their dead decompositions in a nice bit of gravy. That is what I resent most. That is it.
In the run up to the General Election, I don’t think I will be attempting to take the piss out of UKIP anymore. It appears that what doesn’t kill them only makes them stronger and I for one will, from now on, have a blanket ban on them being mentioned - not only through my mouth or words typed on some internet - but also in my mind. In my mind, there is now a blanket ban on UKIP and I refuse to acknowledge whether they exist or not. Having always voted LibDem since I was old enough, I obviously now need a new party to vote for in 2015. I was thinking about Labour but then I realised they have the wrong brother leading them. If my brother and I were both in the Labour party in around 2010 – I’d have defiantly stepped aside and let him take charge. Yes I know, I know, that I would be so much better at it but he’s better at pretending to be sensible than I am – so he should have the job… and then I’d stand behind him and pull all of the strings – and fuck all of the women (…and men – I’m not racist!)
So if I was in charge – obviously they won’t let me - but if I was pulling the strings of a highly vented uptight bastard puppet who just so happened to be the Prime Minister, I would do the following:
Have Simon Cowell shot on ITV.
Devolve the UK into 12 parts; Northern Scotland, Southern Scotland, North East England, North West England, Borders, Midlands, Eastern England, London, South East England, South West England, Wales, and Nothern Ireland. And allow devolution to really work for communities. Change the voting system so that you elect people to your own parliament in your own area and then the leader of your local parliament can sit in the House of Commons as an MP
I would re-introduce student grants. It’s insane that our future doctors & scientists cannot even afford to live never mind come up with a cure for cancer. Could you manage to come up with a cure for cancer if you couldn’t even afford to get fucked to an episode of Pointless?
I would integrate the public transport system into a whole soul nationalised body. Instead of paying road tax, or tax on your train fare, I’d introduce a Moving Tax. Road Tax & VAT would be abolished on travelling. Instead, you’d have an Oyster Card type system & only pay for what you use. All public transport would be cheaper and integrated - trains and buses moving people though the country day & night. People have to be places & they should never stop. Motorways would be instead taxed by a toll on your card for a long distant journey. Lorry drivers & taxis etc would be exempt.
Immigrants – since it’s become such an issue, I guess my government would have to do something about all of the fucking immigrants. Well… the more the merrier, I say. If Gary Barlow emigrates we could probably offset his tax bill to set up a haven for refugees. This goes hand in hand with ‘Benefits’ – which I will come on to very soon. This country is made up entirely of immigrants and if you don’t like that… then please fuck off. Literally, please just get on a boat, go to a faraway country, get a hotel and lie down in a darkened room. Light a candle & open up a nice bottle of wine. Pour 46 aspirin tablets into it & die happy in the knowledge that your body will have been a burden on someone else’s time.
I will introduce a ‘Citizen’s Benefit’. Abolish all benefits – everyone will get £75 per week – regardless. There will be no arguments. If you don’t need it and you’re not a cunt then you should give it to someone else who does. This is where charity starts. That would be a better ‘Big Society’ whereby you give the people the money to do with as they please rather than trying to get them to do public services for free.
I don’t really want Simon Cowell to be shot on ITV. I want him to be shot in front of me when I’m King --- actually, no I don’t – I’m not wasting taxpayers’ bullets on him. I’ll imprison him in an armchair and make him listen to my music on repeat. Which, incidentally, can be found here: www.meiosis.bandcamp.com
Don’t worry, as your money from the ‘Long Distance Travel Tax’ would be put towards waterboarding refugees.
What I mean to say is… it’s probably better to vote and be democratic about how your country is run rather than try to start a revolution by not voting. By not voting you are going to end up with more of a cunt in charge than you would if you voted. And also by not voting, as per the current global political climate – you might actually be responsible for World War 3. Stop using unneeded carrier bags, stop ignoring people who ask you for money. Stop buying imported fruit. I honestly get annoyed every time I notice an apple is better travelled that I ever will be. Stop buying it! Stop it- just fucking stop it! Just buy stuff with ‘BRITISH’ or ‘UK’ on the label – it’s not fascist – it just didn’t have to transport itself to your fruit bowl in a fucking aeroplane!
If you want to make a ‘protest vote’ then that’s fine – but why not vote for the Green Party instead of going all right wing? If you do want to vote more right wing, then why not vote for the Conservative Party (Tories) who, after all, are the only party who will give us all a referendum on whether or not we want to stay within the EU (that’s gonna be embarrassing for them)? If you want to be a socialist and slight liberal left, then vote for Labour. If you want to cry and cry and cry because your best friend did not keep his/her promise and your best friend died in 2011 – then vote LibDem.
It’s just very important that you do vote. Go and find some information. Information won’t come to find you.