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A (more-or-less) weekly blog by Martin Thompson, covering not only the latest Meiosis happenings but life, the universe and everything. Some strong opinions for you to agree with or get annoyed about, some humour to improve a dull Thursday and plenty of videos featuring relevant music/comedy/Magic Roundabout theme tunes...
If you like/dislike it, feel free to contact/rant at Martin on Facebook/Twitter (delete as appropriate). And if it convinces you that Martin's music must be as interesting as his words then click here to listen to all the latest!
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A TRUE STORY ABOUT MODERN POLITICS
I have never told anyone about this, but as I am a brave man I think I should share it with you. I feel so lucky to be able to do so via this blog of mine.
A little while ago somebody I knew was a personal assistant to a guy who wished to become a councillor. I was kind of cajoled into attending a local political party meeting, where this guy was to make his first big speech to the local party members. I’d attend on the basis of not having any affiliations for the Party but with a view on possibly getting involved with ideas on how to promote and raise this potential politician’s profile. “Why did they ask you? What could you possibly do?” I hear you ask. Well, indeed. At the time I was asking myself the very same questions. I went along anyway as the meeting was in a social club and I enjoy these places with their wide open spaces and cheap beer...
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WHY AM I SUCH A CUNT?
Am I trying to constantly make excuses for my actions? I get depressed. One of the many aspects of feeling depressed is that you constantly look inward into yourself and always come to the conclusion that you are a massive cunt and don’t deserve to exist. I reckon if everyone did that, then the world would be a better place...
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JUST WHEN…
Just when you think you have it sorted. Your depression and animal urges are under control and you no longer feel the need to avoid social contact or blanking out any form of human life into your own because any show of affection, engagement or sense of belonging to the world and community we live in will just complicate your life… Just when you think you have that sorted, that nothing will matter more than what you have been through, just after you have decided that you are ‘ready to face the world’ as it exists and just after you have become strong enough to dip your foot into believing that the outside world is ok:
Somebody in a car will pull up outside of your home and parp their horn in order to signal the fact that they have arrived, and their previously arranged agreement of giving one of your neighbours a lift to their designated destination is being upheld. How about you get out of your car and ring the doorbell or knock on the door like a well-
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A BLOG ABOUT CLINT THE TOWER CRANE DRIVER
Hey there! How are you? You’re looking well. Sit down, can I get you something? A piece of cake perhaps, or would you prefer a cup of marrow?...
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BELFAST TOWN
Late last year, I decided to take my band (well, I call it a ‘band’ or an ‘act’, when really it is better described as an ‘Art Installation’) out of its home of Newcastle upon Tyne and into other UK towns and cities to give the songs an airing in front of some fresh ears. The idea was relatively simple, I was to use no promoters & we’d simply book the gigs and promo them on the internet ourselves as we do here in Newcastle. I have a few contacts in various cities, so Sheffield could be done with ease, Glasgow & Edinburgh were no problem. Manchester and Doncaster were also on the cards. All we’d do is organise a gig in one city with its relative hometown band & then swap to provide bands for the next gig. What do you mean you don’t understand? Look it’s simple, here:...
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GLOBAL CRASH
*When you think about it, Globalisation is a remarkable and beautiful thing isn’t is? -
I love the fact that one day Europe will become a super state and we will have the same, if not more, armoury and power as the Americas do today, to force our values and opinions onto anyone that opposes our values or opinions. I relish the thought that Tesco will run our high streets, or music will only become available from either EMI or Apple (whoever kills the other) and that the food we eat will come from a great big vat in Spain that will be called ‘GloopCo. TM’ and will consist of only smells...
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SOUND & VISION
Well I guess I have been thinking hard about performing again this week. What am I? What AM I?? I’m not a band or a ‘solo act’. My friend Alex came up with the best description of my Meiosis show: I am an Art Installation. I was really pleased with his definition as this means I no longer have to bother with the catchy songs that bore me to death, but can spend more time on dressing up in suits and attempting to project uncomfortable images onto a wall...
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STOP, LOOK & LISTEN
I point my nose to the Northern star, I strive to become whatever I should be, I fall where the fallen lay & I read a lot of books. Everything I do & everywhere I go I am bombarded with the notion that I should be doing something different. Read more than you’re reading, listen to more than you are listening to, watch more than you watch. I watch, read & listen to a lot of stuff. Almost constantly. If I have a free moment, I read, watch or listen to something. I occasionally make things for other people to watch, read or listen to as well – kind of in return… in thanks I suppose...
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RULE 2: DON'T BE AN ARSE
Could we privatise the government? We might have to pay more for it but we would get much better customer service. I think it’s time to take a good look at how much a government-
It would also please the trade unions as technically the trains, the planes, the banks, the power, the music festivals, the mobile phones, the cola, the gyms, the cable television, the radio stations, the internet and the hot air balloons would all become nationalised...
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HEAR, HEAR.
Something is getting at me. I’m not sure what it is, but I appear to be in a constant state of distress.
I appear to have developed a touch of tinnitus in my left ear again. I blogged about this some time ago but over the past 3 weeks I have constantly had the sound of Joe Pasquale in the early stages of his head being cut off in my ear. I thought I’d try to put it in writing how it actually feels...
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HOUSEKEEPING
The producers and researchers and everyone involved in the making of this year’s Celebrity Big Brother have been amazing. They really have pulled it out of the bag this time. Starting at the top of that list and working their way down to what they have must have been exhausting. “Is Beyonce Knowles available?”, “is Nick Knowles available?” “OK then…who isn’t a criminal?”, “OK... who has been arrested on suspicion of being a criminal?”...
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HOW TO HATE SIMON COWELL
(& I HAVEN’T EVEN MENTIONED THE X FACTOR)
Those Mayans banged on about the end of the world as if there was no tomorrow. I’m not sure why they were so concerned. The end of the world happened in 2002 when Simon Cowell took over. Last week the UK government finally made it legal to rip a CD onto your computer. Simon Cowell is livid...
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CONSUMER ADVICE
The sooner you realise that everything is a little bit shit then the sooner you will be able to make things just a little bit better for yourself. I am an optimistic kind of guy & like to think that the glass is half full rather than half empty, unless it is an actual glass of beverage, then I’d be thinking ahead to achieving a full glass once again and thus accepting that it is in fact half empty. However, my good nature and optimistic outlook has been severely tested by what I can only describe as a bunch of massive dickwads who have ripped me off one after the other, to the point where I was so stressed and depressed with the world, I was considering becoming a hermit & never ever trying to do anything ever again...
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I DON'T MEAN TO BE AWKWARD BUT...
I still didn’t hike my gig prices up from £3 to £4 this autumn. In the end we plumped for giving you wonderful attendees value for money. We have had some of the best local live acts play & the most fun , at these gigs, I have had at any gig I have put on in the last 7 years. I did not lose any money either, which is a new thing I will be happy to have to get used to. I did not make any money either so maybe there is more work to be done...
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UNFINISHED-
It is 2 days to go until my final gig of 2012. It has been a difficult week. After having written extensively last week about how much I was looking forward to seeing the 2 headline bands play together again, one of the bands dropped out due to commitments in the local catering sector. ‘Bollocks’, I thought to myself as I cried into my hands, ‘I have spent an awful lot of time promoting this and we’re expecting a decent crowd now. Oh well, at least we still have the other headliner’… and then they dropped out due to a shift in the local housing market...
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EVERYTHING BEATUTIFUL IS FAR AWAY
How do you begin when you don’t want to begin? How do you end when you do not want to end? I feel closer to the end of this incarnation of Meiosis than I do to the start. I set myself the goal, the target of 3 albums in 3 years and I’ve just started writing my 3rd album. I have absolutely no time to do, or think, or wonder where this ‘Meiosis’ thing might lead because I have spent so much time on writing, recording, mixing, releasing and not promoting the music. I hate promoting. It’s the worst bit of making music. Once upon a time – that bit was left to somebody else. Not now, you have to creep among the realms of the popular press as an ‘artist’ now to even make yourself noticed. Faking it to DJs, journalists & anyone in the media you can lay your cold ‘promoter’s’ hands on. I hope that Jimmy Savile dies...
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THE SAME BUT BETTER
I appear to have quite a lot going on at the moment. I’m considering a small Meiosis UK tour for the Spring, I’m constantly editing live music by other bands I have recorded, I have begun the writing process for the next Meiosis album & I’m fighting off the idea in my head to do a silly free Christmas gig in THAT Newcastle. Along with occasionally recording cameo bits and pieces and finding the time to start an entire spin off album with a very worthy artist and somewhere in-
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DEAR JIM
How do I avoid writing a blog about your exploits? I have formed several opinions that I believe are worthwhile but I believe my blog should be set aside from others by never writing about what is in popular demand but instead drawing some attention to the things that are important to me. You are not important to me. However, I’d like to offer you some form of defence. Trial by media will always be pretty much one-
…Oh you’re dead. Blog avoided...
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THIS MONEY WOULD BE BETTER SPENT ON SCHOOLS AND HOSPITALS
Yeah, I’m just going to go straight into a rant this week. I’ll not bother boring you with the details of my album release or my wonderful gig yesterday. I’ll just get on and give you rant thirsty, liberal idiots what you want. What you want are the thoughts from my mind, so to save you extracting them via psychology or hypnosis or Scientology, I’ll just write them here for your convenience...
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RIDING ON A WAVE OF COOLNESS & CALM
When the sun shines onto the water, or through the clouds, or reflects on a mirror, or shines through tiny gaps in the curtains, creating a beam of light where you can clearly see the droplets of dust, dead skin and other discarded natural artefacts simultaneously fall slowly and gently to their temporary resting place, in perfect formation and unity whilst you are burping and farting on your settee on an early autumn afternoon, it makes you think about things that are beautiful. Did it jump or was it pushed? Did anyone see?...
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SHOOTS, EATS AND LEAVES
MY NEW ALBUM IS OUT!
Yeah, blog readers… my new album ‘Songs For 20 Something Year Olds’ is out now and I have already sold a staggering 6 units! I know, I know… calm down it is amazing but 3 of those had free download codes so really it’s only half of that – whatever that is. You do the maths.
It’s only £3 to download -
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WE ARE ALL MADE OF ‘GEORDIE SWIMMERS’
With the amount of stag & hen parties in Newcastle this evening, I wonder how many women, men and animals the locals can mate with? I wonder if the entire world is related to Geordie Boys (whey-
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HOW SWEET TO BE
You do all know I’m an idiot right? Quite socially awkward and a bit unable to control my own lanky limbs and facial expressions. I sometimes say things which sound fine in my own head but come out with unintended expression which changes the meaning to another person. Occasionally, I can tame this to my advantage. Most of the time, it just leads me from one embarrassment to the next...
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HANG THE DIET
The Atkins diet has to be the best diet ever. Not for actually losing weight but for sheer arrogance. Yeah just cram as much bacon and jelly into your gob as you can. In fact don’t have anything else and eventually you will begin to see the pounds drop off. Yeah, through your terrible illness because of a vitamin C deficiency, or depression due to lack of friends thanks to your appalling body odour...
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SONGS FOR 20 SOMETHING YEAR OLDS
For much of my life, in fact a third of my life, I have had little direction, few ideas and very few ambitions. When I was a teenager I think I thought that one day I’d be in a proper famous band and signed to a real independent record company, doing gigs for love at the Glastonbury Festival & doing gigs for money at the Reading Festival. I worked on my songs and I perfected my odd spasm dance moves to make myself into the perfect frontman for the bestest band ever...
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HOLOGRAMS
I don’t agree with the music industry making money from holograms of dead people. Is it only me who believes this is morally wrong?
I saw the 2Pac thing from Coachella this year. Don’t get me wrong – I think it’s amazing what they can do with this hologram technology. It was all pretty impressive and perhaps a great gimmick too if you’re Snoop Doggy Bang Bang or Ice Flinch to have your mate perform alongside you but it appears to have opened up the floodgates for something more sinister...
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HYPOCRISY
I think someone shouting “DON’T YOU KNOW THIS IS THE ‘QUIET COACH’?!!” at the top of their voice is rather funny. However, for those who have to put up with the angry man in the quiet coach, it is probably the bane of their life. There’s always one who will shout at the noise of somebody tapping on their laptop or just looking at their mobile phone. If you do a reasonably long train journey, one of them will pipe up. You may hear them muttering to the Train Guard “can you do something about him?”, “What?” “Him, he has been gently tapping his foot on the floor for EXACTLY ten minutes and forty five seconds now… and nobody is doing ANYTHING about it.” ...
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7th OF THE 7th
I think this story starts on the 7th July 2005.
On the 7th July 2005 at 0856, I rolled up in Kings Cross station. What happened to me from then on defined my life forever. I felt vulnerable. I was frightened – I felt scared. It took us an hour before we knew what was going on. Primary reports came through that a train had ‘blown up, due to a power surge’. The station was evacuated. We were the only people left. We didn’t know what to do...
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THE COMPLETE BANKER
I’m sorry? Is that as good as you can do? I’m sorry because I had not remembered to take a bag of rubbish out last night. I’m sorry because I cannot find your wallet that you lost all by yourself. I am sorry because I don’t know whether this is meant to be last week’s blog, catching up or this week’s blog early. Either way I’m sorry...
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LEAVING ON A JET PLANE
I really fucking hate flying. There is no part of my body that agrees with it. Apart from my brain being terrified of the destruction that 85 tons of metal with 35,000 lbs of aviation fuel could cause to me should it collide impolitely with ... erm... anything whatsoever, it also hurts every single part of my body. If I don't have cramp, I have a headache, or my knee hurts or my temple pulsates uncontrollably...
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FOR THE DISHWASHER
My main problem in life is the fact that I’m cack-
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GOING DOWNHILL FAST
Kids, take a piece of clingfilm and put the middle of it in your mouth and suck. Don’t be stupid and choke yourselves… now twist the end to make a bubble in the bit you have in your mouth. Now pop the bubble. That was my main form of entertainment in 1989...
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IF YOU COULD MAKE EVERYBODY POOR, JUST SO YOU CAN BE RICH?
I am unable to make it through the night without having to get up to do a wee at least once. This makes me smile as in my early 20s I was responsible for taking the piss (no pun intended) out of my companions for being ‘older’ and slightly more decrepit than I was at the time. It's worth me pointing out now, that the intervening years have passed me by quickly & unceremoniously, almost as if they didn't matter at all.
Due to the hand I've been dealt, I am a man who appears on looks alone to be 10 years older than he actually is & this time last year, this manifested itself in my 29 year old brain as ‘people will always assume that instead of a man in his 20s, acting like a man in his 20s -
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WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?
It has not escaped my attention that from today I have been writing this blog for a year. I’d like to say that within that year I have achieved what I set out to do, however I have no idea of what it was I set out to achieve. I have even tried reading my first few, to see if they held any clues but… no they didn’t. I suppose the main reason I do it is to drive some recurring traffic to the website and to encourage peeps to listen to my music, and it appears to kind of work… [COUGH] BRITNEY SPEARS NAKED...
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I’M 30, FUCK’S SAKE
Never mind your gigs with your ‘musical group’ or your DJing at Flim Flab on a Saturday night ‘til 3am. Forget your managing a rock band or thinking of writing shit about shit on ‘That World Wide Web’. I turn 30 this week and I have many many much more important things to tell you about...
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THE EUSTON FLYER
I'm in that London again. In the Euston Flyer wondering how long it'll be before Mr Proud from Captain Trips turns up so I can then go home. The Euston Flyer is as far as I want to venture into the Capital today. I didn't really want to leave the confines of Kings Cross station but I have been a brave little soldier and crossed the road to get to the nearest pub...
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THE APOLOGIST
It’s difficult to have an opinion. Unless you’re Jeremy Kyle and, like him, you’re completely 100% sure of yourself and your own assumptions. I think this may have more to do with the kind of people Jeremy Kyle knocks around with and presents his opinions to on a daily basis rather than him know right from wrong...
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ALL I NEED IS ME
I consider the consequences of every single thing I do. I always look towards the future when proposed, acknowledged or compromised with anything. I see this as a problem. I cannot respond instantly to anything. If I was only more like Jeremy Kyle and sooo cocksure of myself that I could form an opinion on something within a split second with no thought whatsoever, then I wonder if my life would be happier and easier?...
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THE RHOMBULUS ORANGELY OUT OF ITS HEAD
I was sitting in traffic. Sat still in my car when a mad driver on the opposite carriage veered for no reason and I feared for my life. The next song to come out of my car stereo was Herbie Treehead’s ‘Happy Song’. I had an image of people coming to the rescue and dragging my dead body from the car with this soundtrack still playing out of the car stereo. It’s not like in the films is it?...
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_______ ______ IS A _______
Note. After taking advice I have decided to edit this blog and remove anything that may have been deemed legally dubious. I think it still holds as much power and venom as the original...
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THERE’S ALWAYS SOMEONE COOLER THAN YOU
I’m bald. Yes I am. It troubles me to admit it. I’ve been happy to go with ‘losing my hair’ for ten years but now I have to admit I am definitely bald. Not even good bald, not ‘sexy bald’. The bad bald, the bagel headed, brown haired, tuft at the front, puts twenty years on him bald. My hair started to recede when I was 17. I wasn’t bothered then as I thought by 2012 they will have some kind of miracle ointment that can cure all baldness. I would not feel so sad about losing my hair if I wasn’t so gay about it! I loved my hair – I could fashion it into many different styles and people would gather from far and wide to stroke it as it is very very soft. Almost like a kitten or a rabbit...
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THE SOBER I REPULSED BY THE DRUNK ME
I was having a wonderful time the other day sharpening pencils. I haven’t had the need to do that for a long while. And also on this day I had no need other than an uncontrollable need and will to sharpen a couple of pencils with a big pencil sharpener with a handle. It was splendid.
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A SHORT BLOG ABOUT NOTHING (I AM A PC)
Thirty days has September,
April, June and November,
All the rest have thirty one,
Expect for February alone,
Which has twenty eight days clear,
And twenty nine each leap year.
It’s rare that you hear that poem in its entirety. Although no doubt, either someone will recite the first 2 lines to you, or you do it yourself in your head towards the end of every month. It must be the 2nd most underrated thing ever. The second bit is crap though because the poet has rhymed ‘clear’ with ‘year’ – which only works if you’re a bit posh and thus only serves to widen the North/South divide...
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O2, ORANGES AND KEITH LEMON
When I was a young man, soon to become the adult tramp I have grown into, I remember seeing these stickers in various places. My guitar teacher (yes a professional actually taught me these three chords) definitely had one in his little hutch in his house where he kept all of his guitary stuff. I wondered ‘what on earth does this mean? Does it mean you shouldn’t listen to records? What a stupid movement and a big bunch of idiots’. I was considering my own campaigns; ‘KEEP BOOKS IN YOUR HEAD’ or ‘DON’T ALLOW ANYTHING TO TAKE A PHYSICAL FORM’. Of course I was young and naïve...
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HAGUE’S A TORY… (HUNKY DORY)
Well well well. How are you? You’re looking good. I see you have come to subject yourself to another one of my blogs. You must have done something pretty awful to subject yourself to this kind of torture again. All I can say is I respect your self discipline.
I must apologise that there was no blog last week. This is partly because I had nothing to write about and partly because I have been busy writing and recording songs for a second (or fifth depending on how you look at it) album. My plan was to record some more today but I have a poorly wrist from playing guitar for seven hours the other day. I need one of those support doo dah things like Mr Greenwood from Radiohead. If I did though people would just say I’m trying to copy offa him like they say I’m trying to copy offa Jarvis Cocker by just talking to peeps between songs when I play live. So for them and them only I will just carry on in tremendous pain!
So, as I can’t play guitar, I thought I’d write a blog instead but I’m guessing I won’t be writing much here either as typing kind of hurts too. I’m using my knee as support for my wrist at the moment. It’s a pretty uncomfortable position to be sitting in.
Anyway, maybe you can’t bear much more of my whingeing and I can’t bear the pain of typing -
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SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM
...
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PAVEMENT CYCLISTS ARE THE LOWEST OF THE LOW
I have mentioned this before but only very briefly. I think it’s time to expand. If I hold a door open for you, say thank you. If you ask me a favour, say please. If you don’t then I think you are a fucking moron...
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I’M AFRAID THAT IT’S ANOTHER ONE ABOUT MUSIC
Well that was a lovely gig at The Bridge Hotel. Meiosis played night number 2 of 4, that were all organised by the great Ian Courtney (@cowandspoon on the Twitters). All the other acts on the bill were also awesome, namely Jamie O’Neil, Lucy Pickard and Psy Of The Dead. I am aware that some Meiosis fans were loud and loutish during Lucy’s set, however take solace in the fact that these people are unaware of the etiquette when good music is being performed due to the very fact that they are fans of Meiosis. I hope they are forgiven. Anyway, it was all in aid of Mr Courtney’s birthday and more so in aid of Coalition Against Crime which is a great little charity that shows kids who are on the wrong track in life the right direction to change their ways. You can find out more about them here: http://www.thecoalition.org.uk – I am reliably informed all 4 nights were a success and raised a good deal of money and awareness for the charity, and I was really proud to be a little part of it...
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WHATEVER CAN WE DO?
I spent the entire evening on Bandcamp. Again. Just because I decided in my tiny mind that you might like to hear for free the music I grafted away on before you buy it. I got a payment for the first 3 months of my album sales. It appears my album sales are healthy in Brazil (they buy any crap), New Zealand (I’m yet to work out if they exist – I must go there) and Japan (anyone’s guess is as good as mine). I received a reasonable sum of money and I was happy with it.
If you don’t want to read about a musician whinging, don’t read this. If you do – then you will absolutely love this – but be sure to buy some stuff at the end!
Until I realised that I have been playing exclusively live in Newcastle, England for the past year and my album sales in Newcastle have been relatively low. It’s very odd that people from afar seem to be loving my music and the people nearby don’t give a shit. Isn’t that odd?...
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THE RISE AND FALL OF MEIOSIS AND THE SPIDERS FROM TYNE AND WEAR
This Sunday is Mr David ‘Bowie’ ‘Ziggy’ ‘Starman’ ‘Thin White Duke’ ‘Tin Machine’ ‘Berliner’ ‘Major Tom’ Jones’ 65th birthday. 15 years ago Bowie staged a massive birthday bash concert in New York with guests reaching far and wide across the musical spectrum that he travelled through to arrive at that point. Lou Reed was there, Billy Corgan was there, The Foo Fighters were there, Frank Black was there, Robert Smith was there and Sonic Youth were there...
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